12 Things That Still Bother Me About Harry Potter
Through the Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling gave us one of the richest, most wonderful worlds ever. And, because it is so significant and treasured, I'm going to nitpick the hell out of it.
1. How come they didn't use any muggle inventions to inform their magic inventions?
The series is set between 1991 and 1998, so it makes sense that wizards wouldn't know that much about the internet and other technological advancements like that, but, by 1994, web search engines were starting to work well enough that some wizard should have heard about it and thought, "Hm, maybe we should come up with a magic way of sorting through the information in all these musty old books?" And let's not even get started on the inefficiency of wizards not having any kind of portable communication device. Sirius Black would probably have survived the series if he'd just had a god damn cell phone.
2. Why wouldn't everyone get a magic portrait of themselves and essentially live forever?
According to the magic specifics behind the enchantements that make it so portraits can talk and move and stuff, a magic painter needs to make the portrait, and only the portraits of the headmasters have the wisdom and knowledge of the portrait subject because the portrait is painted early and the headmaster then imbues the portrait version of himself with all that information. Ok. It's a lot more complicated than it seems at first glance, but still. Everyone should get a magic portrait and spend their lives teaching it to be them, so that when, I don't know, they're murdered and leave behind a confused orphan baby, they could still exist in some form to talk to him.
3. Why would J.K. Rowling even include the time-turner?
It's such a clusterfuck of a plot device. There is no person who read The Prison of Azkaban who didn't think, "Huh. If they can go back in time to save Sirius, why couldn't Dumbledore have gone back to save Lily and James Potter?" The internet is full of some gobbledigook "rules" that J.K. Rowling published after-the-fact, but, come on, just avoid time travel plots, lady. You've already got regular magic.
4. So, was Hagrid's dad just a pervert or what?
Rubeus Hagrid is half human and half giant. His father, the human, had sex with his mother, the giant. If all giants are like Grawp--enormous, stupid beasts--that is one fucked up situation. Just sit quietly and think about it for a little while. Yep. Hagrid's dad went into the woods and boned a monster. Cool.
5. If Fred and George had the Marauder's Map during the events of the Chamber of Secrets, why didn't they use it to help figure out who was opening the chamber?
The chamber doesn't appear on the Marauder's Map, but the bathroom that houses the entrance does. After the first student was petrified, wouldn't you think Fred and George would spend some time scouring the map and notice their little sister a) being conspicuously present for all the subsequent attacks, and b) spending a lot of time in a bathroom that most people find creepy because of the annoying ghost?
6. Why would Hogwarts have students ride to the castle on animals they could only see if they'd seen death?
What is the point of singling out all of the children who have seen dead people and making them feel weird and confused? It's such a horribly morbid way to start off the year.
7. Why does Malfoy try to befriend Harry when they first meet?
At their first meeting, Malfoy tries to persuade Harry not to be friends with people like Ron, and, instead, to be friends with Malfoy and his cronies. I get that Malfoy would likely want to be friends with the celebrity student, but his father was a supporter of the person who tried to kill Harry, so it's a pretty weird stretch to think this relationship will go well. Even if the elder Malfoys think Voldemort is dead and don't still have a vendetta against Harry, there's going to be some bad blood, so I don't understand Draco's endgame.
8. Why aren't they more careful what they teach Slytherin kids?
A lot of people might suggest scrapping the Slytherin house all together, but that seems excessive. After all, not every Slytherin kid becomes evil, BUT, apparently, every evil wizard was in Slytherin. So, obviously, Hogwarts should be doubling down on ethics lessons for these kids. Maybe, instead of teaching them so much about fighting, try to prevent the obviously evil children from becoming more evil.
9. Why would Harry think he could get away with opening a letter in front of the Dursleys?
It's presumably the first letter he's ever gotten and he just goes ahead and opens it in front of his awful family? Idiot.
Now for some complaints that are just about the movies:
10. Why was Moaning Myrtle played by a 37 year-old?
Moaning Myrtle is played by Shirley Henderson in the movies, and, if the name "Shirley Henderson" didn't tip you off, this woman was way too old to play a teenager in 2002. Granted, Shirley Henderson is a very good actress and has a great, horrifying voice, but it's still really weird they cast such an old person to play a dead teenager. If the casting director can explain this choice to me, I'll strike it from the list, but until then, it stays.
11. The Ron/Hermione kiss was the lamest kiss ever.
The entire series--even starting when they're 11 years-old--builds the romantic tension between Ron and Hermione. We wait the whole series for them to get together, and then, at last, in the final battle, when people have died and more lives are at risk, our two star-crossed lovers unite and we get to see the back of Rupert Grint's wet head. Be still my heart.
12. And, finally, the most bothersome thing in the entire movie series: the actress they get to play the young version of Harry's mom doesn't have eyes that look anything like his.
So, let's work through this. It's the final installment of a multi-billion dollar movie franchise based on a multi-billion dollar book franchise. Throughout the series, characters are constantly talking about how Harry Potter has the same eyes as his mother. This one fact is the thing that makes Snape turn his back on the Death Eaters and try to protect the child of his one true love. Lily Potter and Harry Potter having the same eyes is a huge fucking deal. So, when the filmmakers needed to cast an actress to play young Lily Potter, a role that required no actual acting skill, and really JUST existed to show her resemblance to Harry, who do they cast? A girl with brown eyes that look nothing like Harry Potters. Good work, everyone.
